Moving Forward

Today almost broke me. There has been so much weighing on my heart lately. I was diving into some much needed closet and dresser reorganization for my son. Time to change out his smaller sizes for larger ones, and also add clothing for the cooler months ahead. I have done this several times already since he was born, y’all know kids grow too fast. But today I packed away some things that I had left in his closet from the beginning.. the newborn swaddles, nursing covers, baby booties. I really thought I would have back-to-back children and wouldn’t need to pack them up. Today seeing all of those things in a spacebag made me want to cry. I am so lucky to have what I do, but being honest and human, I mourn the fact I am getting farther from my dreams of having multiple children, at least close in age at this point. My body is back to being broken by hormones.

I have been thinking about this a lot lately, because my birthday is this month. Another year older, another year without a pregnancy or new baby. It feels so selfish to say that out loud, because I know moms who have struggled more, women who are still struggling to even become a mother. I really feel for you, all the “what-ifs” and “this is not how I pictured my life” moments. It hurts. I just want you to know that whatever you are struggling with or fighting for, I guarantee you are not alone. It doesn’t matter how “perfect” someone’s life looks or how “amazing” they must feel based off social media. We are all human. And no human is perfect.

I packed away the newborn items, not because I am giving up hope, but because it isn’t fair to my son to not focus on him. I think it is okay to FEEL your FEELINGS, but do not become so fixated on what you do not have that you ignore what is right in front of you. I must always remind myself to be thankful for what I do have. Today I chose to clear the space and rejoice in the blessing that is my child, and give him the extra space he deserves. I trust God and know there is a reason or season for all things. I pray that I can keep reminding myself to enjoy the present. It’s like that old saying about life.. “no one said it would be easy, but they said it would be worth it.”